Phoenix Suns point guard and two time NBA MVP Steve Nash is dumbfounded. Over his career the 6-foot-3 All-Star has hit many game-winning shots with just seconds left on the clock but to him it all seems anticlimactic.
"I keep hoping for it to happen. But it's the same old story. I listen for that long musical drone and look for the reaction of people holding their hands up to their faces when I let go of the ball with 0.6 seconds left on the clock, but it doesn't happen," said Nash.
"The ball goes in or doesn't and it's really quick. No slow motion at all, no dramatic close-ups of teammates or opponents with sweat dripping off their chins with looks of astonishment, elation or anguish. What a friggin' buzz kill. You'd think with all the technical advancements the NBA's made they could work that in. I see it in movies and instant replays all the time."
Coach Mike D'Antoni has tried on several occasions to explain to Nash that he's living in a world governed by physics and that certain basic scientific truths will always apply; like gravity, which in most cases prevents something like slow motion from occurring, but Nash isn't buying it.
"I think the thing with Steve-o-rino is he's such a great competitor and showman that it really pains him when everything happens in real time," said D'Antoni. "He's the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. I see him studying game films like it's the NFL.
"But he also watches a lot of basketball movies. One night after what Steve called 'a particularly ho-hum 3-pointer that won the game for us,' he called me into the media room. He had a bunch of old clips ready to go -- Hoosiers, Air Bud, even The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, and Amazing Grace and Chuck. 'Look at this,' he said. 'Every one of these ends with that super slow-mo game winner. If Doctor J portraying Moses Guthrie could do it, why can't I?'
"Now, how do you explain to a guy who's so intent on bringing that kind of drama to the game that it can never happen? It's just beyond my capacity as a coach."
Newly acquired Shaquille O'Neal said he would be more than happy to show Nash how to slow up his game.
"I've been doing it for quite some time now," said the 7-foot center. "Especially the last year-and-a-half for the Miami Heat. Essentially you hit the drive-thru at about 2 a.m. and down a couple of triples with cheese, super-size fries and a milk shake. Then make sure to skip the treadmill regularly. It works wonders to throttle back your whole game."
Though other teammates are concerned that the relentless pursuit of the slow-motion buzzer beater might affect the team's performance, Nash refuses to give up.
"I don't care if I have to go to those anti-matter scientists at CERN in Switzerland for a little help on my release point," said Nash. "Wait! I've got it! Maybe they can just speed up the crowd, then it'll look like I'm doing it slow. Damn, am I smart or what?"